I really like love. I really like being in love and every thing that comes together with it. Who doesn’t need their hand to be held on a regular basis? Who wouldn’t need good morning texts and goodnight kisses? However someplace alongside the way in which, I’ve grown fearful. I’ve grown a little bit bit cautious. And a little bit bit apprehensive.
The primary time I mentioned ‘I really like you’ to somebody, I used to be 17 and deeply, deeply in love. I’m speaking virtually to an unhealthy level, the place love turns into your life line. When that relationship ended three years later, I used to be certain I used to be by no means going to search out love like that once more. And I used to be so certain that I’d by no means fall in love ever once more.
The second time I began falling for somebody, they ditched me for my greatest buddy. That didn’t finish effectively clearly. And the latest time I’ve mentioned ‘I really like you’ turned out to be a lie. I used to be attempting so laborious to like once more. However, it wasn’t true. And I wasn’t being true to my coronary heart.
I’ve been single for 2 years now, and I really like the liberty of it. I like that I don’t should care for anybody, however myself. I like that I can have a ladies night time in and never fear about what my boyfriend is as much as. I really like that being single means deepening already nice friendships and rising nearer with the people who I encompass myself round.
However, like most individuals, I get lonely.
I need that hand to carry. I need these lips to kiss and I need the conversations that final for hours on finish. And like most individuals, I don’t need to be single for eternity.
Right here’s the place shit will get actual darkish. I went on a grand and spectacular complete of two dates in 2016. TWO. I’m even embarrassed to write down that quantity out for the world to see however hey, in 2015 I solely went on one date, so I’m making progress (lol, probably not).
Clearly, I’m not attempting very laborious. I’m probably not all for taking part in the sector and occurring date after date. I don’t like small speak. I don’t do the entire ‘one night time stand’ factor that my era is obsessive about. First dates make me need to throw up, to be fairly sincere. My anxiousness actually goes into full “flight” mode at any time when somebody even whispers the phrases ‘first date’. Additionally, I’m SUPER petrified of getting kidnapped/by chance occurring a primary date with a serial killer.
Are you able to inform I’m an anxious particular person but?
I let my thoughts damage any chance of affection. I let my ideas and my worries damage the butterflies and the giddy emotions. I let my anxiousness take the wheel. And I let it drive, whereas I sit again and shut my eyes.
I flee the second earlier than something good can start. I run the opposite route when somebody is me. I shut the door on any alternative that I see. And I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I’m my worst enemy in relation to love. I don’t know why I run. I don’t know what I’m so rattling scared about. I don’t know why I take cowl when somebody smiles at me or asks me out. I don’t know why I hold sabotaging the one factor that I deeply need.
My mates don’t actually perceive. They don’t perceive how I may run from one thing that’s good. Run from somebody that’s good.
Possibly I’m simply afraid of falling in love like I did after I was 17. Possibly, I’m simply afraid of discovering love once more, and ultimately shedding it. Possibly I’m petrified of shedding management of my very own coronary heart once more. Of letting it go wild.
Or perhaps I’m simply scared of not having the ability to deal with one other loss. One other misplaced endlessly. One other damaged piece. One other wound written on my coronary heart. And perhaps I’m scared of shedding myself. Once more.