Why did it feel like just as much happened during Monday night’s one-hour episode of “The Bachelor” as usually happens during an installment twice as long? Are we all being scammed? That second question is rhetorical. But the answer to the first begins with the same person who left us hanging last week: Andi Dorfman.
“Who is Andi Dorfman?” is a very google-able question but, to keep you on the page, here why she’s still (somewhat) relevant. Andi was the “Bachelorette” when Nick Viall first appeared on the franchise. He made it to the final two before she chose someone else. Then he called her out for having sex with him on national television in an arguably rude way. She wrote about him in her book. Blah, blah, blah, seasons later she’s still popping in to remind us that she exists.
The show hypes up Andi’s appearance like she’s going to say or do something dramatic. She does no such thing. But she does serve a semi-important purpose in setting up the rest of the hour — the beginning of “fantasy suites” week — because it’s 2017 and “The Bachelor” now allows the word “sex”!
“Are you going to have sex with any of them?” she asks Nick, who says he’s not sure. Andi tells him that, if he sees a future with the woman and she consents, he should go for it. She calls it her “feminist rant” as Bell Hooks swiftly revises the title of her book to “Feminism Is for Everybody Except People Who Appear on ‘The Bachelor.’”
But before Nick can take anyone to the “fantasy suite,” he has to eliminate one of the four remaining women. It has been about two weeks since ABC confirmed that Rachel will be the next “Bachelorette,” so it seems obvious that she would be the next to go, right? Wrong.
Who can say why Nick does what he does next — Was it the olive? Does he not like it when women buy him expensive clothes? Did Raquel whisper “save me” in his ear off-camera? That’s right… it’s time to say goodbye to Corinne who, before now, was starting to seem like Nick’s most viable match.
The breakdown that follows seems inevitable. Corinne burst into tears while standing next to the final three. But in the limo, flooded with emotion, the bouncy castle scheme-stress makes one last surprising move — she delivers a multi-million dollar monologue that puts Andi’s “feminist rant” to shame (… and makes me almost want to take back that Bell Hooks reference from a few paragraphs ago)!
“Saying goodbye to Nick… I feel my heart is never going to be repaired,” she says. “I just want to feel loved — the way it’s supposed to be. The normal way. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?” she asks.
“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them… I need that. I’m done trying to impress these men. I will never kiss up to man for the rest of my life,” she resolves, and promptly goes to sleep.
Anyway, who’s excited for “Bachelor in Paradise”?
With Corinne out of the picture, the final three join Nick on a trip to Finland (also known as the “most northern place” that Nick has ever been). Raven is the only date we get to watch before the episode ends, but she does not disappoint.
Raven and Nick start their date in Finland at a local pub. Lest anyone be confused, the place is literally called “local pub.” Shout-out to the location scout who found that one. Nick and Raven banter about whether one should steam or iron their clothes. Seems like as good of a time as any to remind you that This. Television. Show. Gets. Amazing. Ratings.
But domestic chatter aside, Raven has two confessions to make:
1. She loves him, and has never said “I love you” to anyone before.
2. She has only had sex with one person before, and he never made her orgasm.
Corinne got all the credit for her crazy stunts, but no contestant this season is naturally better for reality television than Raven “I-picked-up-her-stiletto-and-beat-him-with-it” Gates. Before the episode wraps, she masterfully delivers both pieces of intel to Nick who, true to form, goes in for a kiss and gives her the key to his pants… er, heart — the “fantasy suite” awaits. It seems highly unlikely that Vanessa and Rachel will be able to top this week, but this is “The Bachelor” and only time will tell.